I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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