I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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