she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
