I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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