Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drake has all the answers
how drunk are you?
Several
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
