I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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