i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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