A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
