just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
