And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
