She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize