Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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