final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
