im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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