I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
