Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
