I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
