it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
