She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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