I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
