meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
