Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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