shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
