So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
