I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
