It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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