Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
