the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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