I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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