I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
