There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
