You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
