apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
