Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
