just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
