That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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