The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
tell me about the fingering
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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