I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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