Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Someone shit on the floor
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
