I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
