My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
