my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
