We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
