I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
