Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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