Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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