I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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