Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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