I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
