You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
