you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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