yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
