The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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