And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
