I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
