3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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