broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
