Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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