....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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