Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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